It's been a while!

So I know, it's been quite a bit since I've posted anything new. Mainly because I'm just been so ashamed of my eating habits as of late. I took a break from raw for a while but stuck with the veganism and now I'm trying my hardest to jump back onto the raw food wagon but it seems to keep getting away from me. Speedy little wagon it is...or maybe I'm just sluggish from all the cooked food weighing me down. It wasn't even healthy cooked foods, it was oreos and Trader Joe's maple leaf cookies. I'm trying to put all that unhealthy stuff behind me again and lose the weight all over again. I really need to conquer these food issues I have.
What I've realized I must do during these cold northwest winter months, however, is keep some cooked food in my diet. Veggie, nut, fruit and seed laden of course, but cooked nonetheless. I simply refuse to give up my mom's (and now mine as well) authentic Russian borscht with vegan sour cream. As far as cooked foods go, I think that's as healthy as you can get! For some reason though, I have noticed that I have a hard time keeping my portions under control with cooked foods so I have to focus on this issue when I do eat them. The majority of my meals on most days are going to be raw regardless but keeping my options open will help me in the long run.

Okay, I think I'm off for today but keep your eyes peeled for my authentic Russian borscht recipe soon. Simply to DIE for...I could live off of this stuff. Hmmm...there's a contradiction.

TTFN!

Stress, stress and stress

As you've probably figured out...I'm stressed. I'm freaking out about quitting my job. Or rather stressing out about school and my new job. The closer I get to the start of school and the start of my new part-time job, the more I start to panic. I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. I literally have to be in three cities every single day and somehow find time in between all the driving (because there is no way a bus is going to get me anywhere on time) to walk my dog, do my insanity work-outs, make food and the cherry on top of this sundae, do homework. I'm most concerned about not being able to walk Finn. I feel like I'm abandoning him. And hindsight being 20/20, this is probably not the best time for me to have a dog. I don't regret getting him, I love him to death but I'm so scared that I don't have enough time to really give him what he needs...it's breaking my heart. I'm sure I'm making a big thing out of nothing. On the days that I'm not working after class I'll be home sooner and have more time to spend with him than normal so it should even out. On days that I am working however, I have to drive back and forth between the city school and work are in and my home in Downtown Seattle just so that I can walk him. One of the women at work (she is an angel, I swear) caught me being all miserable and offered to walk my dog during her lunch breaks on days that I have to work so that I don't have to come back to Seattle. I immediately broke down and started crying; that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me...especially someone I hardly know. So today being the crap day it is, I caved and got myself a dark chocolate bar. Obviously not raw but I'm pretty sure it's as close to vegan as mass produced chocolate bars get. I just needed those endorphins...I think it helped.

But aside from that, I somehow managed to gain two pounds this week while still losing 1% body fat and a quarter inch off of my waist and another quarter inch off of my hips. I'm praying that those two pounds are just the new muscle I'm building with my new work-out regime. I'm not eating too much more than I usually do. Regardless I'm not worrying too much about it right now...I have enough to worry about on my plate. I think I need to wait until my life settles down again and I get into a routine to really focus on weight loss. I am by no means saying that I'm going to start eating junk again...or cooked foods for that matter. I will still be eating raw like I do now, I'm just not going to stress over everything that I'm eating...I'll do my best and whatever happens, happens. Not like I'm going to have a lot of time to really sit and eat anyway with my new schedule.

Okay, now for some more recipes!

Szechuan Dressing inspired by Shannsu on RFC:

Ingredients:
1 small clove garlic, crushed
2 tbsp. raw sesame oil (or olive oil)
1 1/2 tbsp. umeboshi plum vinegar (or apple cider vinegar)
2 tbsp. nama shoyu
2 tsp. raw honey (or agave nectar)
1 tsp. coarsely ground Szechuan pepper (or some black pepper)
1 tbsp. tahini
Cayenne pepper, to taste

Directions:
Combine everything together in a blender until a smooth consistency is reached.

Notes: This turned out pretty good and very spicy. If you don't like it spicy, you really want to be careful with the cayenne pepper. I also added a pinch of ginger.

Curried Broccoli inspired by Daniefon on Gone Raw:

Ingredients:
1 medium ripe tomato
2 dates
1 tbsp. sesame seeds
1/2 cup cilantro
juice from 1/4 a lime
juice from 1/4 a lemon
1/2 tsp. tumeric
1/2 tsp. cumin
curry powder, to taste
1/2 tsp. ginger
1 clove garlic
1 green onions
Salt, to taste
2 cups chopped broccoli florets

Directions:
Blend everything but broccolli together until well combined and only slightly chunky. In a large bowl add broccoli until everything is coated evenly. You can eat this immediately, or marinate it overnight in the fridge for softer broccoli. Serve with your choice or sides (i.e. rice, kelp noodles, veggies).

Notes: Oh wow! This stuff is delicious! If you like curry you will love this. I may try using only one date next time as it was a little bit too sweet but definitely still amazing! And the best part? Not a drop of oil in here and you could easily make it seedless! Incredible right?!

Okay, that's all for today folks...I'm off to be stressed, upset and grumpy. TTFN!

P.S. Now that chocolate is starting to make me sick...my bad.

The Culprit!

It was definitely the raw hummus. As delicious as it was, it was definitely the reason behind my digestion issues this week. I don't know if it was the ton of (badly processed) sesame seeds or some weird combination, but it definitely did not sit well with me. Which is too bad...I think I'll try it without the extra sesame seeds and see how that turns out, after all, I've had tahini with no problems...I'll make a small batch though.

I'm so just grateful for hot yoga this week, it has been amazing for my stomach. Yesterday did nearly kill me though...for some reason I was just stiff as a board and had no balance whatsoever! Still made it through and am happy I went. Next week will probably be my last week in yoga however =*( since my coupon is running out and I need to conserve as much money as possible in the next month or so since I'm quitting my job to go back to school.

Thankfully, I've got a back-up plan as far as maintaining my fitness. I got inspired by Courtney who is doing the P90X program and I was considering getting it until I saw an infomercial (yes, an infomercial, save your judgements) for the Insanity DVDs. It's not as long but looks just as tough and the results seem to be pretty substantial. The program arrived in a five pound box yesterday and the DVDs are in a case that is meant to look like a book (kind of nifty actually). I will start on Monday with the fitness test...apparently even the test is supposed to kick your behind but I'm not deterred. Terrified of all the warnings that come on the box but I'm determined to get through it and to be proud of myself and my body for keeping up. I want to look my best and obviously, feel my best and I know that won't happen until I get serious about working out and shape up. I guess I should take some of the dreaded "before" photos this weekend.

So despite my stomach problems in the past week and a half, I still somehow managed to lose another two pounds this week! I was shocked when I stepped on the scale: I was certain that I would have gained back some of the weight that the flu helped me lose. I don't even know how I did it, I was worried that I was eating pretty badly this week. That just goes to show you that you don't have to consciously be on a diet or counting calories and points to lose weight...you just do your best and try to give your body what it needs.

I've also found that my OCD is starting to get better and that I'm not as dead-set on perfection like I usually am on a diet. This feels so much more natural because I'm not restricting myself and I'm learning not to over-analyze everything I'm doing. Even if I do succumb to the occasional call of the Larabar, it's not the end of the world; it could be a lot worse...


...it could have been Doritos.

Going Raw: Day 18

Wow! What a painfully slow day it's been. I keep thinking it's Friday!

Unfortunately, my OCD is kicking into high gear today. I can't seem to get anything done because my mind is so stuck on something else. As embarrassing as it is to say...it's stuck on raw food. I'm trying to make out my grocery list...again. I thought maybe if I started earlier I wouldn't get so obsessed, alas, not so. I just get obsessed for an extended period of time instead of one day. Oh well, you live, you learn. I just keep focusing on the foods I want to have next week and it's driving me insane because I know what I want to have but I also don't want to have too much of one thing (i.e. nuts, oils, etc.) or spend an absurd amount of money. I also feel like I should be making my own recipes...as if I'm some sort of mooch or a failure if I don't come up with my own creations. I always thought I was creative...I'm just scared to try with food.

I'm also freaking out because I'm worried that I may be eating too much dessert. My scale told me I gained a pound this past week (though I cheated and weighed myself way before my weigh day) and the only thing I can think of is "too much raw chocolate." But then I look at all these other raw foodists and talk to people on the RFC and they seem to eat dessert pretty much nightly. It's not like I'm gorging myself on pies and cakes and cookies...I just have my banana soft serve every night with some chocolate. So why am I freaking out?! It's a learning process...if something doesn't work one week, assess it and change it for next week until you find something that works for you. The only problem is that I'm so used to counting something (calories, points, etc.) that I don't know how to gauge how much I'm eating without them. This is how distorted our perceptions have become. We can't even tell when to eat and when to stop without the assistance of some irrelevant number given to us by god knows who! It should come naturally but we've been so acclimatized to eating based on these numbers instead of on our own hunger that we've forgotten how to. I want to learn but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now; it's like learning a new language in a foreign country...you have to pick it up but it's painfully hard and lonely until you do.

Okay, well in other news: I actually worked out yesterday. Instead of sitting on the couch yesterday while watching two hours of So You Think You Can Dance (yes, I'm addicted), I got on the floor and did some weight training for my arms and upper abs, as well as some resistance training for my lower abs. Now ironically, out of all the groups that I worked, not one of them hurts more than my thighs...which I barely worked on! And I thought my legs were in pretty good shape given the giant hill I have to walk up to get home everyday from work. I guess not =\

And completely irrelevant to food: my dentist is worried about my teeth (I went yesterday)...not because of cavities or anything like that (which I do have) but she says that I ground them so much that they're shorter than a lot of 60 year-olds' she's seen. She says that if I keep going, my teeth will be half the length they are now in eight short years! I don't want to lose my teeth! I should have seen this coming though...my dad lost his teeth when he was young, too. Though he didn't have the benefit of a night guard when he was my age. The dentist says that should help tremendously with the headaches, cavities, lock jaw and help me keep my teeth a lot longer.

Going Raw: Day 12

I've been so preoccupied today with looking up raw recipes and reading blogs that I have completely ignored everything else. I feel like I'm letting this take over my whole life and that is not the idea behind me going raw. So starting this weekend on, I'm devoting only two hours of the day to thinking about anything raw food related (not counting when I'm eating =P). I'm going to focus on other things and not just what I'm going to be eating next week. I mean, it's taken me almost the whole day to figure out my menu for next week and make out my grocery list. Is that insane or what?! Then again, I've always been like this. I do need time to figure out what I'm doing the whole week given that I don't have too much time to make a new meal every night depending on how I feel. So whatever I do make, pretty much has to last me the entire week. And I have to have easy back-ups just in case whatever I made that was more intricate doesn't last me long enough. I know that eating healthy takes work but I really can't spend as much time as I have been thinking about this.

Other than that, I should be getting my camera's computer cord so I'll be able to upload the pictures I've taken of my food. I'm pretty excited to see how they turned out.

As far as how the raw food is making me feel? My stomach was still acting up last night but I think it finally calmed down this morning. And I think that is partly because the weather around here has finally dropped below the 90 degree point. It's been in the 90s for the past two weeks! I don't even know how I survived that. I definitely don't live in Seattle for the scorching weather. I'm so ready for fall.

And finally, in the good news department: I've lost another two pounds this week. That makes it a total of six pounds in 12 days! Insane! I really hope that this is legitimate weight loss. I hope that it sticks.

And now...back to my shopping list. =P

Going Raw: Day Ten

I had my first really emotional obstacle yesterday:

My best friend, who is an alcoholic, called me yesterday and was convinced that something was happening that was definitely not occurring. He was hallucinating. I thought he had stopped drinking for nearly a month now but apparently he had started again. I talked to his mother and she's pretty convinced that he's not going to make it through this time. We're just waiting for the final, definitive blow.

When this problem first arose a few months ago, I was devastated. So of course to numb this incredible pain I was feeling, I ate. I ate a lot! I gained nearly ten pounds or so just from trying to stuff the feelings down with chips and candy and pasta.

Yesterday...I didn't feel the urge to go and buy junk. Good lord was I craving a cigarette like no other but cooked food (and junk food) were not even appealing to me. One of my coworkers took me out to Juno for dinner last night to keep my mind off of it and I got a big salad without cheese and some roasted beets (rawish, right?) but the cooked items on the menu, things that would normally tempt me when I'm upset like ravioli and grilled seafood, weren't even an option in my mind; I didn't even want to order them. I was a little tempted by the bread basket (as usual) but I managed to resist. My indulgence last night to make myself feel better was a Larabar. Which ultimately didn't really make me feel better because I found the peanut butter cookie flavor revolting. I guess that worked out to prove that food doesn't make bad things go away.

So still trying to be good to myself...even when the world isn't.

Going Raw: Day Five

Day five and I'm four pounds lighter. I had to step on my scale two or three times just to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. I don't think I've ever lost that much that quick.

Today, I actually overcame my first obstacle. I was asked to go to lunch today by an omnivore and after looking over the menu, I nervously agreed to go. I didn't know what to expect and whether this person would be judgemental or not and whether the food would taste good.

The restaurant was Boka in downtown Seattle. I ordered a starter baby lettuce salad sans cheese and a roasted tomato soup without the croutons. Obviously, this wasn't an all raw lunch but I think I did very well under the circumstances. I even managed to resist the bread and butter that arrived at our table shortly after we arrived.

I'm still going through some pretty rough detox coughing but I didn't have to have a cough drop just to fall asleep last night. Ultimately I'm still really happy with what this is doing for me. I'm still being somewhat paranoid but a lot less so the more and more I become acclimated. I'm starting to worry less about the food I eat (as long as it's raw and not combining starches and proteins) and worrying more about only eating when I'm hungry. That last part is very difficult to do at home since this is where the bulk of my over-eating took place before. I'm still struggling but I'm hoping that after a few weeks it will simply become habit for me to not eat until my body tells me it's time. If only there was a way to get my fridge to shock me when I tried to get in there before it was time.

I'm finding some really fantastic recipes around the web to try out...can't wait =)

Can you eat too much Raw?

I think I've figured out what it is that is bothering me about this diet: can you binge on raw? Obviously the answer to that is yes. But my question is this:

Everyone tells you to listen to your body and focus on what it's telling you...well what if your body is telling you to eat, eat, eat and eat some more? I know it's healthier to overindulge with fruit than processed chocolate but is it still possible to be healthy and lose weight while overindulging in apricots, or cherries, or bananas, etc.?

I'm just worried that I'm eating too much. Considering I haven't exactly figured out how to obey my own natural instincts yet, I'm forced to use other methods to gauge my success. After a while on the raw food diet, I probably won't have these concerns because I'll know when my body is telling me to stop but for now, I'm scared that, as I've said repeatedly, I'm not doing this right...that I'm replacing my cooked vices with raw vices. Isn't a raw food binge, still a binge? Isn't an over eater who eats only raw, still an over eater?

Is it possible to be overweight and be raw? I know this isn't a miracle diet but it would sure help to know that I'm just being paranoid, that too much would require a lot more than I'm consuming now.