I've Lost My Mojo

This is depressing: I've lost my raw mojo and I don't know how to get it back. It seems like everything I do isn't up to par. Every recipe I've tried lately just isn't doing it for me anymore. It's not a lack of inspiration, I've got plenty of that. I just don't know what's lacking. Nothing tastes as good as it did when I started. I can blame this on this past week. It was, as I've mentioned non-stop lately, my last week at work and everyone wanted to take me out. So I had a couple of meals (literally two) that were not raw: some hummus with pita and some green curry with rice oh and some chocolate and coffee. Everything was delicious. I've been trying to recreate a green curry and thus far have been failing MISERABLY. I'm thinking that I may want to just lower my expectations of myself for a little while. This is the first time I've considered that I may have dived into this too fast. I really don't want to give up and really want to succeed at this but I think I have been pushing myself too hard. Until I feel comfortable again, I think I may need to make a few exceptions to my raw food diet. While all of the food I will make at home will be raw, I think giving into a few of my (still healthy) temptations may give me a renewed enthusiasm about raw food. I will also have to resort back to a few of my favorite recipes from the beginning and lay off the new recipes until I'm back on track. This is just a little bit disappointing for me. I've been doing so well but I don't think I can take another failed green curry recipe =\

And school starts tomorrow and I don't remember the last time I was this nervous. Okay, since most of my recipes have been sucking lately I'll hold off on posting any. I did buy the most delicious raw honey from a local company this weekend at a farmer's market. It's maple honey and it is amazing, it has a very subtle minty flavor...nothing like maple syrup. I can't stop eating it. Well, I guess I better get my things ready for tomorrow...after all, I won't be home until after 10:00 pm. I'll report back on Tuesday and see if things have gotten any better. TTFN!

The F word!

I don't believe I've ever thought about the fact that "fail" is a four letter word. How appropriate. Obviously, that's the F word that I am talking about today. I have decided I want to eliminate it from my vocabulary, from my mind and from my life. Why is that some people are so ready to see someone fail? It's as if they're giddy with the anticipation of watching this person fall flat on their face! How sick and twisted this human race is. Shouldn't we support one another's endeavors to improve upon ourselves in any way we can? We should not put others (and ourselves) down and we should not hold our breath until they (or we) fail. Waiting for failure is a self-fulfilling prophecy intended to sabotage our good intentions. Do you really want to sabotage your friend or your colleague or, most importantly, yourself?

When I decided to starting eating/living Raw, I told a few colleagues of mine about my newly found enthusiasm for a healthier lifestyle and their response was "I give you two months." And now, it's as if they are watching my every move in order to see me fail or falter. It was incredibly discouraging to hear people think so lowly of me that they don't believe I can manage a healthier lifestyle. At the same time, it was empowering because I wanted to prove them wrong. But not anymore. I've known all along that I shouldn't be doing this in order to prove someone wrong or to prove myself to anyone but it was always there in the back of my mind but I am releasing that now. I am doing this to improve myself, I am doing this to be happy. I want to let go of all my preconceived notions about what I should and shouldn't be doing and what people expect of me. I want to be comfortable and happy and if my idea of happiness does not coincide with another person's that should not be a problem. We are, after all, individuals.

My theory is that people get scared/intimidated when you try and improve upon yourself because they feel guilty that they are not living a healthier life as well. They are threatened by this. God only knows why and even though I was one of those people, I still can't really tell you why it was that I resented people who were thinner, more fit, or leading a healthier life than I was. Perhaps it was jealousy. But it's like a friend making your favorite brownies with the full knowledge that you are on a diet; it's sabotage disguised as a sweet gesture. I am done with the ulterior motives and I am done setting myself up for failure by listening to what others have to say as if it's set in stone. From this point forward I will try my hardest to live my life with only my own health and well-being in mind, I will take everything I read and hear with a grain of salt and I will only do what I feel is right for me. I am not one size fits all.

Going Raw: Day Ten

I had my first really emotional obstacle yesterday:

My best friend, who is an alcoholic, called me yesterday and was convinced that something was happening that was definitely not occurring. He was hallucinating. I thought he had stopped drinking for nearly a month now but apparently he had started again. I talked to his mother and she's pretty convinced that he's not going to make it through this time. We're just waiting for the final, definitive blow.

When this problem first arose a few months ago, I was devastated. So of course to numb this incredible pain I was feeling, I ate. I ate a lot! I gained nearly ten pounds or so just from trying to stuff the feelings down with chips and candy and pasta.

Yesterday...I didn't feel the urge to go and buy junk. Good lord was I craving a cigarette like no other but cooked food (and junk food) were not even appealing to me. One of my coworkers took me out to Juno for dinner last night to keep my mind off of it and I got a big salad without cheese and some roasted beets (rawish, right?) but the cooked items on the menu, things that would normally tempt me when I'm upset like ravioli and grilled seafood, weren't even an option in my mind; I didn't even want to order them. I was a little tempted by the bread basket (as usual) but I managed to resist. My indulgence last night to make myself feel better was a Larabar. Which ultimately didn't really make me feel better because I found the peanut butter cookie flavor revolting. I guess that worked out to prove that food doesn't make bad things go away.

So still trying to be good to myself...even when the world isn't.